And Now For Something Completely Different
by Girlygeek43
Summary: This fic is just Hetalia characters in a bunch of Monty Python skits. *I own neither this is just for fun*
1. Self defense against fresh fruit

**This Hetalia fanfic is just for fun I do not own the series or Monty python**

It was just an average course of training for the allies or was it?

"Good evening class!" America said shouting

"Good evening." The rest groaned.

"Where are all the others, then?"

"They're not here."

"I can see that. What's the matter with them?"

"Donno."

China guessed what was wrong afterwards saying,

"Perhaps they've got the flu aru."

America started to shout,

"Huh! Flu, eh? They should eat more Fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self- defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against someone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit."

They all groaned as soon as they heard fresh fruit. Russia soon followed up by saying.

"You promised we wouldn't do fruit the week."

"What do you mean?"

France answered this time,

"Well we've done fruit for the last nine weeks."

"What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?"

"Can't we do something else for a change?" asked Russia.

"Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" England asked softly.

America closed in on England yelling in his face.

"Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit aint good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my boy. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!"

America turned around and then started instructing the class.

"Now, the passion fruit. When your assault lunges at you with a passion fruit.."

They all said at the same time,

"We've done the passion fruit."

"What?" America asked.

"We've done the passion fruit aru."

"We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit..."

"Whole and segments." France followed up Russia

"Pomegranates, greengages."

"Grapes, passion fruit."

"Lemons,"

"Plums,"

"and Mangos in syrup aru."

America then asked them,

"How about cherries?"

They all said simultaneously,

"We've done them."

"Red AND black?"

"Yes." They answered

Knowing that they've done so many fruits America thought of another fruit they didn't do yet. Then he knew what to do.

"All right then. Bananas! We haven't done them have we?"

They groaned "No."

"Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against somebody armed with a Banana!"

America threw a banana at China and China caught it.

"Now, It's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend! FIRST you force him to drop the banana, next, you EAT the banana! Thus disarming him. You have now rendered him HELPLESS!"

France then asked, "Suppose he's got a bunch?"

"SHUT UP!" America shouted back.

"Suppose he's got a pointed stick?" England asked.

"SHUT UP!" he shouted again. "Right! Now you Mr. Watermelon!"

China sighed, "It's Wang."

"Wang! Mr. Wang, come at me with the banana. Come on! Attack me with it as hard as you like. Come on!"

China began just walking but America yelled at him again.

"NO! No! No! Put something into it for God's sake! Hold it like that!" America then lifted his arm above his head and made a fist. "Scream! Now come on! Come on attack me! Come on! Come on!"

China then screamed and tried to attack him with the banana only to be shot as soon as he got close.

"Now! Now I eat the banana!"

America began eating the banana while the others commented while pointing at China's body saying.

"You shot him! He's dead!"

"I have now eaten the banana! The deceased Mr. Watermelon is now disarmed!"

Russia was in shock and said,

"You shot him! You shot him dead!"

"Why he was attacking me with a banana!"

"Well you told him too." France answered back.

"Look I'm only doing my job! I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!"

"And pointed sticks." England followed.

"SHUT UP!"

Russia then asked,

"Well, Supposed someone comes at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?"

"Run for it!"

France then followed with

"You could stand and scream for help."

"Yeah you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe."

France then asked,

"A pineapple?"

America heard the name of the fruit and thought he was being attacked.

"WHERE! WHERE!"

"No I just said: a pineapple."

"Oh Phew, I though my number was on that one."

"What, on the pineapple?"

"WHERE? WHERE!"

"No I was just repeating it."

"Oh, Right! That's the banana then. Next the raspberry! There we are. Harmless looking thing isn't it? Now you Mr. Blueberry."

"Bonnefoy." France corrected.

"Bonnefoy. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it."

"No."

"Why not?"

"You'll shoot me."

"I won't"

"You shot Mr. Wang"

"That was self-defense. Now come on I promise I won't shoot you."

England then asked.

"You promise you'll tell us about pointed sticks?"

"SHUT UP!" America shouted back, "Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell."

France then requested,

"Throw the gun away."

"I haven't got a gun."

"You have." He answered back.

"Haven't!" Said America.

"You shot Mr. Wang with it."

America then realized what he was talking about.

"Oh that gun!"

"Throw it away." France requested.

"Oh all right!" America then put the gun down. "How to defend yourself against a raspberry without a gun!"

"You we gonna shoot me!"

"I wasn't!" America argued.

"You were!" France answered back.

"No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed."

France began to demonstrate and attack but then America pulled a lever and a 16-ton weight fell. America then said,

"Now, if anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him."

Then Russia asked,

"Suppose there isn't a 16 ton weight?"

"Well that's planning isn't it? Forethought."

"Well how many 16 ton weights are there?"

"Look, look, look, smarty pants. The 16-ton weight is just one way. JUST ONE WAY! of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others."

"Like what?"

"Shooting him."

"Well suppose you haven't got a gun or a 16 ton weight?"

"All right clever dick, all right! Come at me with raspberries come on, whole basket each!"

"No guns?"

"No."

"No 16-ton weight?"

"No."

England then popped in again,

"No pointed sticks?"

"SHUT UP!"

Russia continued,

"No rocks up in the ceiling?"

"NO!"

"You won't kill us?"

"I won't kill you."

"You promise?"

"I promise I won't kill you now are you going to attack me?"

Both said at the same time,

"All right."

"Right! Now, don't rush me this time. I'm gonna turn my back so you can stalk me. Right? Come up as quietly as you can right close up behind me, then. In with the raspberries, right? Start moving!"

Both England and Russia started moving in with the raspberry baskets just like America told them to do so. Then America instructed,

"Now the first thing to do when you're stalked by and ugly mob with raspberries is to release the tiger."

America then pulled a lever and released a tiger as Russia and England went running and screaming for their lives.

"The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it..."

**BOOM**

**Please review**


	2. The Dead Parrot

England brought new pet from a boutique but there was something wrong with it.

"Hello I wish to register a complaint." He looked at the shop owner bent down and said, "Hello miss."

The owner got up revealed to be Spain asking,

"What do you mean miss?"

"I'm sorry I have a cold."

"I wish to make a complaint.

"Sorry we're closing for lunch."

he was cut off

"Never mind that my lad I wish to make a complaint about this parrot which I purchased about half an hour ago from this very boutique."

"Oh that's the Norwegian blue. What's wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead that's what's wrong with it."

"No no it's resting look."

"Look my lad I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now."

"No no it's not dead it's resting."

"Resting?"

"Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian blue beautiful plumage isn't it?"

"The plumage don't enter into it, its stone dead."

"No, no it's resting."

"All right then, if it's resting then I'll wake it up."

He then yelled at the cage,

"HELLO POLLY I GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP POLLY PARROT!"

Spain then pushed the cage.

"There he moved."

"No you didn't. That was you pushing the cage!"

"I did not."

"YES, YOU DID!"

England then took the parrot out of the cage and yelled at the parrot's head.

"HELLO POLLY! POOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY!"

He banged the parrot's body on the counter hoping it would wake up.

"POLLY PARROT WAKE UP! POLLY!"

The parrot was tossed into the air and then landed on the floor still not moving.

"Now that's what I call a dead parrot."

"No,no it's stunned."

"Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely when I brought it a half an hour ago you told me that it's lack of movement was do to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk."

"It's got to be pining for the fields."

"Pining for the fields? What kind of talk is that? Look why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?"

"The Norwegian blue prefers sleeping on its back. It's a beautiful bird lovely plumage."

"Look I took the liberty of examining that parrot. And I discovered that the only reason why it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there."

"Of course he was nailed there otherwise it'd mussel up to those bars and VOOM!"

"Look matey."

England took the parrot out of the cage and continued.

"This parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised."

"It's not it's pining."

"It's not pining it's passed on this parrot is no more it's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot! IT'S A STIFF! BEREFT OF LIFE! IT RESTS IN PEACE1 IF YOU HADN'T NAILED IT TO THE PERCH IT WOULD BE PUSHING UP THE DASIES! ITS RUN DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE CHIOR INVISIBLE! THIS IS AN EX PARROT!"

"Well, I'd better replace it then."

England sighed and told the readers

"If you want to get anything done around here you've got to complain until your blue in the mouth."

"Sorry senor we're right out of parrots."

"I see, I see, I get the picture."

"I've got a slug."

"Does it talk?"

"Not really, no."

"Well it scarcely replaces it isn't it?"

"Listen I'll tell you what. If you go to my brother's petshop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you."

"Bolton eh?"

"Yeah?"

"Alright."

England then went to Bolton with the parrot in hopes of a replacement parrot. He soon got to the pet shop with the parrot in hand hoping for one that was actually alive and not dead. He walked into the shop seeing that the owner looked like Spain only with a mustache on. He even saw that there was a cage that looked identical to the one he left in the other shop on the floor. He then asked the owner.

"Excuse me is this Bolton?"

"No,no it's Ipswitch."

"That's intercity rail for you."

England once again left the shop with the parrot and made his way to a complaint department.

"I wish to make a complaint."

"I don't have to do this you know."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm a qualified brain surgeon. I only do this cause I like being me own boss."

"E-excuse me this isn't relevant is it?"

"Oh yeah it's not easy to pend these up every 30 minutes."

"Well,I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch."

"No this is Bolton."

England once again said to the reader.

"The pet shop owner's brother was lying."

"Well you can't blame British rail for that."

"If this is Bolton I will return to the petshop."

England then made his way back to the petshop still holding the parrot.

"I understand that this is Bolton."

"Yeah?"

"But you told me it was Ipswitch."

"It was a pun."

"A pun?"

"No,no not a pun now what's the other thing where it reads same backwards as forwards?"

"A palindrome?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of bolton would be nutlob. It don't work."

"Now what do you want?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my life of inquiry any longer as I think it's getting too silly."

A ramdon officer came in mumbling something and then said,

"Right get on with it. GET ON WITH IT!"

*Please review*


	3. Self Defense Against Fruit with Nords

**This Hetalia fanfic is just for fun I do not own the series or Monty python**

It was just an average course of training for the Nordics or was it?

"Good evening class!" Denmark said shouting

"Good evening." The rest groaned.

"Where are all the others, then?"

"They're not here."

"I can see that. What's the matter with them?"

"Donno."

Norway guessed what was wrong afterwards saying,

"Perhaps they've got the flu."

Denmark started to shout,

"Huh! Flu, eh? They should eat more Fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self- defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against someone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit."

They all groaned as soon as they heard fresh fruit. Iceland soon followed up by saying.

"You promised we wouldn't do fruit the week."

"What do you mean?"

Sweden answered this time,

"Well, we've done fruit for the last nine weeks."

"What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?"

"Can't we do something else for a change?" asked Sweden.

"Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" Finland asked softly.

Denmark closed in on Finland yelling in his face.

"Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit aint good enough for you eh? Well, I'll tell you something my boy. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!"

Denmark turned around and then started instructing the class.

"Now, the passion fruit. When your assault lunges at you with a passion fruit.."

They all said at the same time,

"We've done the passion fruit."

"What?" Denmark asked.

"We've done the passion fruit."

"We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit..."

"Whole and segments." Sweden followed up Iceland.

"Pomegranates, greengages."

"Grapes, passion fruit."

"Lemons,"

"Plums,"

"and Mangos in syrup."

Denmark then asked them,

"How about cherries?"

They all said simultaneously,

"We've done them."

"Red AND black?"

"Yes." They answered

Knowing that they've done so many fruits Denmark thought of another fruit they didn't do yet. Then he knew what to do.

"All right then. Bananas! We haven't done them have we?"

They groaned "No."

"Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against somebody armed with a Banana!"

Denmark threw a banana at Norway and he caught it.

"Now, It's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend! FIRST you force him to drop the banana, next, you EAT the banana! Thus disarming him. You have now rendered him HELPLESS!"

Sweden then asked, "Suppose he's got a bunch?"

"SHUT UP!" Denmark shouted back.

"Suppose he's got a pointed stick?" Finland asked.

"SHUT UP!" he shouted again. "Right! Now you Mr. Barberry!"

Norway sighed, "It's Bondevik."

"Wang! Mr. Bondevik, come at me with the banana. Come on! Attack me with it as hard as you like. Come on!"

Norway began just walking but Denmark yelled at him again.

"NO! No! No! Put something into it for God's sake! Hold it like that!" Denmark then lifted his arm above his head and made a fist. "Scream! Now come on! Come on attack me! Come on! Come on!"

Norway then screamed and tried to attack him with the banana only to be shot as soon as he got close.

"Now! Now I eat the banana!"

Denmark began eating the banana while the others commented while pointing at Norway's body saying.

"You shot him! He's dead!"

"I have now eaten the banana! The deceased Mr. Barberry is now disarmed!"

Iceland was in shock and said,

"You shot him! You shot him dead!"

"Why he was attacking me with a banana!"

"Well, you told him too." Sweden answered back.

"Look I'm only doing my job! I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!"

"And pointed sticks." Finland followed.

"SHUT UP!"

Iceland then asked,

"Well, Supposed someone comes at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?"

"Run for it!"

Sweden then followed with

"You could stand and scream for help."

"Yeah you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe."

Sweden then asked,

"A pineapple?"

Denmark heard the name of the fruit and thought he was being attacked.

"WHERE! WHERE!"

"No I just said: a pineapple."

"Oh Phew, I though my number was on that one."

"What, on the pineapple?"

"WHERE? WHERE!"

"No I was just repeating it."

"Oh, Right! That's the banana then. Next the raspberry! There we are. Harmless looking thing isn't it? Now you, Mr. Orange."

"Oxenstierna." Sweden corrected.

"Oxenstierna. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it."

"No."

"Why not?"

"You'll shoot me."

"I won't"

"You shot Mr. Bondevik"

"That was self-defense. Now come on I promise I won't shoot you."

Finland then asked.

"You promise you'll tell us about pointed sticks?"

"SHUT UP!" Denmark shouted back, "Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell."

Sweden then requested,

"Throw the gun away."

"I haven't got a gun."

"You have." He answered back.

"Haven't!" Said Denmark.

"You shot Mr. Bondevik with it."

Denmark then realized what he was talking about.

"Oh that gun!"

"Throw it away." Sweden requested.

"Oh all right!" Denmark then put the gun down. "How to defend yourself against a raspberry without a gun!"

"You we gonna shoot me!"

"I wasn't!" Denmark argued.

"You were!" Sweden answered back.

"No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed."

Sweden began to demonstrate and attack but then Denmark pulled a lever and a 16-ton weight fell. Denmark then said,

"Now, if anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him."

Then Iceland asked,

"Suppose there isn't a 16 ton weight?"

"Well that's planning isn't it? Forethought."

"Well how many 16 ton weights are there?"

"Look, look, look, smarty pants. The 16-ton weight is just one way. JUST ONE WAY! of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others."

"Like what?"

"Shooting him."

"Well suppose you haven't got a gun or a 16 ton weight?"

"All right clever dick, all right! Come at me with raspberries come on, whole basket each!"

"No guns?"

"No."

"No 16-ton weight?"

"No."

Finland then popped in again,

"No pointed sticks?"

"SHUT UP!"

Iceland continued,

"No rocks up in the ceiling?"

"NO!"

"You won't kill us?"

"I won't kill you."

"You promise?"

"I promise I won't kill you now are you going to attack me?"

Both said at the same time,

"All right."

"Right! Now, don't rush me this time. I'm gonna turn my back so you can stalk me. Right? Come up as quietly as you can right close up behind me, then. In with the raspberries, right? Start moving!"

Both Finland and Iceland started moving in with the raspberry baskets just like Denmark told them to do so. Then Denmark instructed,

"Now the first thing to do when you're stalked by and ugly mob with raspberries is to release the tiger."

Denmark then pulled a lever and released a tiger as Iceland and Finland went running and screaming for their lives.

"The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it..."

**BOOM**


	4. Hungarian phrase book

Hungary went to England's one day to buy cigarettes for a friend. However, she obtained a phrase book that wasn't a wise choice for communication with the English. She walked into the shop asking England for cigarettes with her phrase book in hand.

"I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

"Sorry?"

"I will not buy this record it is scratched."

"No, no, no this is a tobacconist."

"Ah, I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched."

"No,no, no tobacco, um cigarettes."

"Yes, yes cigarettes."

Hungry then wanted to order matches so she looked for another phrase.

"My hovercraft is full of eels."

England was confused at the phrase.

"What?"

"My hovercraft,"

Hungary then made gestures of striking a match

"Is full of eels."

"Oh matches, matches."

"Ja, ja ,ja."

She then tried to ask how much she had to pay but,

"Do you want? Do you waaant to come back to my place? Bouncy bouncy?"

"Uh I don't think you're using that right."

"You great poof."

"Umm.. that will be six and six please."

"If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected."

England wanted Hungary to understand what he was saying so he asked for her book,

"Umm may I?"

"Ja, ja, ja."

He then looked for a phrase to say the price,

"Hmm costs six and six."

He then found it,

"Ah, Yandelvayasna grldenwi stravenka."

Hungary then punched him. But soon a policeman from a far off distance ran down multiple streets right into the shop.

"What's going on here then?"

Hungary looked in her book and pointed at England,

"You have beautiful thighs."

"What?"

"She hit me."

"Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait until lunchtime."

"Right."

Soon she was dragged out of the shop.

"My nipples explode with delight."


	5. World's funniest Joke

The time was World War 2 and there was an accomplishment by Earnest Scribbler, writer of jokes. At this time he wrote the funniest joke in the world and as a consequence, he died laughing. The joke was clearly lethal since nobody could read it and live. Knowing of this deadly joke from news reports the Allies thought of using this joke to their advantage. And the joke's devastating effectiveness was confirmed at up to 50 yards.

"Hey Iggy why are we standing behind this thing?"

"America, do you even think? We can't risk our own lives when we test this joke."

As an English soldier signaled to test the joke. Two other solders un-covered the joke and the test subject died laughing.

"Fantastic, It seems this joke will be our secret weapon."

France then asked,

"Hold on, how are we going to use this without dying?"

"Let me finish frog, we'll have our troops make a German version of this joke."

So all though the winter of 43 different ally troops worked in joke proof conditions in order to make a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words and was hospitalized for a while. However, by January the Allies had the joke in a form in which themselves and their troops couldn't understand, but which Germany and his troops could. So on July 18th 1944 the Joke was told to German soldiers.

England commanded his troops,

"Right, get the joke."

They did as they were told,

"Now, tell the joke."

They told it,

"Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

The German troops stopped firing and eventually laughing was heard proving the joke's success. The joke was also, proven to be one hundred times more powerful than Britain's great pre war joke. And one that even Hitler couldn't match. In action the allies realized it was deadly. Especially when they were on the verge of setting all of France free.

"Alright, now!"

France's troops then told the joke.

"Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

German soldiers kept on laughing to death. German casualties were appalling among reports. Unfortunately England was captured by German soldiers forced to share the joke.

"Vhat is the big joke?"

England kept on telling alternate jokes.

"Zats not funny!" The German soldier slapped him "I VAN TO KNOW THE JOKE!"

Soon England was tickled with a feather and he figured he might as well tell the joke.

"Right then, Wenn ist das nunstück git und slotermeyer? Ja! beiherhund das oder die flipperwaldt gersput."

Soon the Gestapo officer typing the joke laughed hysterically out of the room.

"Zat's not funny." Soon the German soldier began to laugh, "Die flipperwalt gersput." And instantly died laughing.

Soon another solider came into the room and England told the joke quickly in order to make the soldier die from laughing so he could escape. And he in the winter of 44 the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

A German joke scientist came in telling his joke to a troop leader,

"Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'."

"We let you know."

He was shot dead with all of the other the Germans had their joke and Hitler gave the command that the joke was to be aired on the radio in English.

"Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho."

In 1945 peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.


	6. The Silly Olympiad

Today was n truly eventful day for the world since the olympics were back. Or were they?

"Welcome to Munich for the 44th annual silly Olympiad an event held traditionally every 3.7 years with competitors from over 4 million different countries. and here we are at the start of the afternoon, the second semifinal 100 yards for people with no sense of direction. And now for the competitors; Lane one here's Kolher of Denmark, next to him Braginski of Russia, third lane; young Vargas of Italy, next to him Ekaraj of Thailand, and next to him Carriedo of Spain, and in the outside lane, Kirkland of the UK."

The starter started his countdown,

"ON your mark, GET SET!"

Then he shot his pistol and everybody ran the wrong way.

"Well, that was fun wasn't it? And now over to the other end of the stadium. And here they're just waiting for the start of the 1500 meters for the deaf. And they're under starter's orders."

The starter then fired but nobody moved at all.

"Well, we'll be coming back the moment there's any action. And now over to the swimming. And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool just in time to see the start of the 200 meter freestyle for non swimmers. Watch for top Estonian champion Eduard Von Boc in the second lane."

The starter blew his whistle and everyone went in but never came out.

"Well, we'll be bringing you back the moment they start fishing the corpses out. And now over to Hans Clay for the start of the marathon for incontinents."

"Well, we put in this event 44 competitors from the same number of countries, all of them with the most superbly weak bladders. Not a tight sphincter in sight. Never the less ready to embark on the world's longest race and they're just aching to go."

The starter shot his pistol and they were aching to go.

"And they're off. Well, no."

Aching to go, to the bathroom that is.

"Well, back to the 1500 meters and the starter is putting on a magnificent show. We've had scattered random fire, fuselage firing. It's enough to make you chew your own foot off!"

"ON YOUR MARK! GET SET!"

The starter kept on firing as the announcer was talking and eventually just threw the pistol on the ground.

"And now the high jump! Katyusha Braginski for Ukraine!"

She did the jump but a very surprising jump. In fact one so high she landed in a building.

"Look what a jump! WHAT A JUMP! THAT'S GOT TO BE A RECORD!"

"Now here we are at the 3000 meter steeple chase for people who think they're chickens. There's Jones of the United States, and over there is Bilschmidt of Germany he's been a Rhode Red Island competitor for the last 3 Olympics. There's the referee trying to get them going but he's having a difficult time. There's the leader, Matthew Williams of Canada who was off to a great start but settled down on the water jump and has now gone loopy."

"Now we're back with our marathon for in continents with Łukasiewicz of Poland in the lead."

Soon he ran into the bushes,

"And now Kirkland of Australia is in the lead. There's Bonnefoy of France but Kirkland has taken over but he's got to spend a penny. There goes Bonnefoy spend a penny, and there goes Eldenstein of Austria. And so now it's Juan Marino of Cuba, follwed by the Plucky Norwegian Bourgh. They're in and out Yo-yoing these athletes. There's the Scottish lad but he can't hold it now it's Bilschmidt. Ludwig Bilschmidt of Germany has taken over the lead. Woah, woah these must be some of the weakest bladders to ever represent their countries, and now lets look to what's going on, on stage."

**PLEASE REVIEW**


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